Impossible Is Nothing…

   “It gets worse before it’s Better. That storm you going to have to weather. Either be a busted pipe, or a Diamond do to this pressure.”

~Iggy Azalea Impossible Is Nothing

I have been feeling really down and depressed lately. As you may have read before (if you’re reading).

A lot has been going on with this being… I lost my job. You know of my love life, and…

My family is going at a bit of a dim spot right now it feels as if everyone is at each others throats. It kills me to see the ones I love and cherish more than anything in this world so mad at each other and could be so hateful to one another. I’m not saying that I don’t have a part in this. I do, but this has being going for what seems like forever and I’m at the point where I just want to let it go and move on. No one wants to meet in the middle and listen to what any thing the other says or how they feel.. It’s all “me” and “what about her?”.

Why can’t we all just love and be there for one another?

Wall-Sticker_Family_is_Everything_single
I have seriously thought about cheating at this game of life and taking the easy way out. I never really attempted it because I’m afraid of who i would hurt in doing so and everything I would miss… and wonder who would miss me… but doesn’t everyone?

This song has really spoken to me and given me strength again and has become my anthem for this year and to really focus on and find myself!

WISH ME LUCK! 🙂

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Talking To The Moon

 “I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.” ~Kate Winslet – The Holiday

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I woke up this morning feeling… alone, faded, non-exsistant. I’m feeling the need to drink more (which I never do). Just not to feel this pain anymore.. I know it’s been almost 5 months.. but it feels as though this all happened a week ago. I’m trying to move on but when I try you’re always right there to remind me of the times we had and I feel weak again.

I don’t want to hurt anyone like I’ve been hurt.

I still feel like a fool, cause I’m still in love with you and I don’t think it will ever go away..

Sometimes I think you are the one I’m suppose to be with. You’ve said your “I Do” to her, you two have your childhood… A History.

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April 14-15, 2014 Lunar Eclipse

I know you’re somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

I want you back

You’re all I had

At night when the stars light up my room

I sit by myself talking to the moon.

Trying to get to you

In hopes you’re on the other side talking to me too.

Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?

Do you ever hear me calling?

‘Cause every night I’m talking to the moon

     Still trying to get to you

In hopes you’re on the other side talking to me too

Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?

I know you’re somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

~Bruno Mars

Talking to the Moon

Almost Is Never Enough…

“I’d like to say we gave it a try
I’d like to blame it all on life
Maybe we just weren’t right, but that’s a lie

Almost is never enough
So close to being in love
If I would have known that you wanted me
The way I wanted you
Then maybe we wouldn’t be two worlds apart
But right here in each other’s arms
And we almost knew what love was
But almost is never enough.” 

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Up at 3am… Just laying here watching Sex and the City. Wondering where is my head, my heart. And both of them for once are in the same place with thinking and feeling everything for Julio. I’m getting to the point where I don’t ever want to talk about him or think about him anymore. Just hearing your name is like someone stabbing me in the heart and twisting it, and I’m alive for every amount of pain. However when I lay in bed at night I lay here thinking how I could have let my self…  I feel in love and what I could’ve done or said differently in every situation. 

I know at one point he loved me too… but I messed up somewhere along the way I will always regret it. I will always love him. 

 

I know he’s happy now with the love of his life Shelly… I know I have to let him go and move on, but everything still hurts. BUT life goes on. I’ll get through this. I hope.

 What could I have done differently for him to be mine? I never get the guy I want… he was so honest with me all the time. And I just played out this whole love story in my head. He was and is everything I could ask for in a man and I thank God every day for sending him to me. He was my Guardian Angel and no one will ever take that away from me. The day I asked him to meet me at Holiday Park I had so many questions. Right now for the life of me I can’t remember one of them but one… 

 

Why was I never good enough for you Julio?

 

All I wanted was to be happy and it would have been absolutely amazing if I could have spent the rest of my life continuously being happy with him. He is happy tho with Her and I wish them nothing but the best because that’s what friends do they let go of the one thing they love the most to make their friend happy even if it breaks your heart.

 

 

 

Falling

You Got Me Feelin' This
You Got Me Feelin’ This

DAMN! This Hurts.

We often gotta look for that path. These problems are the good ones to have. You open my eyes to so many different things in this world you made me see things that I never saw before. At first I was unsure of what you were all about. You were REAL! That’s hard to come across now a days. You are my First Love. 

Your A Memory.. But A Good One
Your A Memory.. But A Good One

Sometime in September 2013

I hadn’t see you in like 4 months. You have news to tell me… Your Engaged to her.

I think it would have been easier to take a bullet to the heart.. I didn’t sleep, eat, talk. CRIED. That’s all I could do.. I couldn’t get up and go into the world knowing that you wouldn’t be apart of it anymore. To go from seeing you everyday and spending every minute with someone I could spend the rest of my life with, just to get tossed to the curb and never given a second look. I felt taken advantage of and worthless.

It is now the end of the year December 16, 2013. You’ve been over a couple of times, you get frustrated and try to do something stupid but I know better then to cross that Thin Line.

“I can’t do this anymore
See my heart just falls out when you walk in the door
Friendship turns into lust and this only tip
That I can’t comprehend even if I knew it
Can’t do justice to these things that I’m feeling
You got someone else, don’t wanna be caught stealing
Hell if she knew she would never leave us alone
in the room”

~”Thin Line” `Jurassic 5

You may feel something for me and that’s great but you won’t let yourself see me like that. I’ve grown to accept that, but don’t try and drag me down when your happy with her. Don’t Fuck That Up! You leave to start your new life in 3 days and I’ll probably never see you again, that kills me. (if you only knew) Yet I’m not going to sit here and cry over you I’ve done that enough. That last time I hug you is going to be it! I’ll be gone and never heard from again!

I Love You Julio. Don’t Ever Fucking Question That!

Artist: Digoil Renowned
Artist: Digoil Renowned

Music

Music.

How do I even began this?

Music is always playing and if it not I’m singing in my head. I have to hear some kind if music.

Turn It UP Till The Cops Come!! :)
Turn It UP Till The Cops Come!! 🙂

Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of Atmosphere and Felt. Great artists! They are so deep and their music isn’t pointless it’s not well “mainstream”. Don’t get me wrong I catch myself listening to mainstream sometimes but most of the time I’m listening to a CD in my car or my iPod. Never the radio. It’s all about the same things. But sometimes I need to stop thinking so hard. And just get in the mood of recklessness. 🙂

Eight Years Gone

I’ve known this person for 13 years. I hate it when she complains about when her new best friends ignore her. She has been ignoring me for the past year and a half. Im not the type of person to give it my all in a relationship and get nothing back.

You Know Fucked Up Right?! Bye Bye! Wish You Luck With Life!

I Won't Trust You Again. Getting Better At Choosin' Friends. This Time The Loser Wins. Cause I Learned How To Cut Off The Looser Ends!
I Won’t Trust You Again. Getting Better At Choosin’ Friends. This Time The Loser Wins. Cause I Learned How To Cut Off The Looser Ends!

Scared…

I woke up feeling a pain I have never felt before… It felt like someome was stabbing me in my ovalries. It hurt so bad I couldn’t walk… I kinda regret what happen that night but part of me doesnt at all. I feel so much closer to him. He makes me so happy! I’ve been in love before and it took me so long to get over him. Now I’m with someone 10x better and is worthy of my heart. I am more than willing to give him my heart, but I am so scared of giving it to him then have it broken again. I’m also scared that I could possiblly be carrying something of his.. Only time will tell…

Tree Of Life..
Tree Of Life..